Saturday, November 28, 2015

Why I Bartend

Why I Bartend

WARNING: I’m feeling especially poetic today by the way. I’m inserting this line after finishing this post. I barely used sh*t or f*ck. Well, until now.

OK, on with the real thing…

I was talking with a host a few weeks ago and the conversation went something like this:

Host: is bartending your full-time job?

Me: No, I do consulting during the day.

Host: Then why do you bartend?

Since then, I’ve noticed people express this same curiosity in different ways.

I realized this is something I almost never tell people

At any given party or event, there’s a thirsty partygoer who wanders up to the bar with a slight look of optimistic indecision. They utter a few magic words, “I don’t know, just give me whatever.” Music to my ears.

Then what happens?

My eyes roll to the back of my head (not literally, that would be creepy), my sixth sense kicks in and I somehow figure out what kind of drink they may like. I even start to glow a little. Sometimes all that fails and I need to ask them. Either/or.

I survey my ingredients, concoct something delicious and slide it across the bar. This, of course, is a no-fail phenomenon. So is my overwhelming modesty.

I stare as they take the first sip (it just occurred me to me as I wrote this line that staring a hole in the person from across the bar is probably pretty creepy. I've been doing this since 2009… Whatever, I'm still going to do it). Then something magical happens that I’ve only ever seen when someone tastes a drink for the first time. Their face goes from curious concentration to lit up with surprise and delight.

Being able to see this unique look that takes over a person’s face, and making someone instantly happy just by putting a few things in a cup is why I love bartending. This is what I’m thankful for. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do what I love.

Happy holidays.


Friday, November 20, 2015

A Seasonal Kick in the A$$

A Seasonal Kick in the A$$

Are you ever there and it's time to party… But you’re tired?

Do your friends ever tell you that you need to rally… But you're dragging?

Are you ever at venue #1 of who knows how many… And you feel a yawn coming on?

You're in the right place, because the Fall signature drink that I came up with this year has just the thing for you.

Yes, I do create a signature Fall cocktail every year. You can get with it Here. And Here.

After looking at all of my delicious pumpkin Fall drinks, you may be thinking one thing. And chances are you are right.


I'm just going to write this blog post, drink and eat everything pumpkin that I can find, put on a sweater, get in my comfortable black leggings, tell you everything that I love about Fall, and then literally cant even for about 300 hours. You have literally no clue how much I look like Han Solo right now. Literally.

Now that we’ve firmly established that I love the sh*t out of pumpkins, I also need to let you know that I love coffee. From or not from Starbucks. The joke's over though but I know you would think that.  Lets move on. 

Now, both of my passions culminate into oral ecstasy to form this Fall's orgasm for your mouth. In cocktail form.

Shall we?

Recipe you've been waiting for

-Fill shaker with lots of ice
---1.5 oz espresso
---1.5 oz pumpkin pie vodka
---3/4 oz vanilla vodka (lots of flavored vodkas will actually work here, like whipped or cake)
-Shake the living sh*t out of it
-Pour into a glass with more ice in it.
-Drink and enjoy. Then wake the f*uck up. If you don’t do this last part, you messed up and need to try again (read: suck less).

That’s it! Now throw a party and hire me to serve this drink there.


PS: I had a ton of fun putting this post together.  Here's why

This too:

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Drinking Hellfire: A Simple Guide to Getting Drunk and Hallucinating

Drinking Hellfire: A Simple Guide to Getting Drunk and Hallucinating


A friend of mine asked me the other day for a good cocktail recipe that has absinthe in it. The first thought that came to my mind was, “How am I going to make this good? Absinthe is disgusting.” 

For those of you don’t know, absinthe is green colored liquor with usually a crazy high alcohol content. It sometimes contains wormwood and it said to make you hallucinate. Overall, absinthe tastes like hellfire. Here’s Wikipedia’s description of it:

“Absinthe makes you crazy and criminal, provokes epilepsy and tuberculosis, and has killed thousands of French people. It makes a ferocious beast of man, a martyr of woman, and a degenerate of the infant, it disorganizes and ruins the family and menaces the future of the country.”

NOTE: The Google image results for “hellfire” are fucking TERRIFYING.

Quick story, the first time I ever had it was in college. I took a shot not knowing what I was getting into. It was disgusting. I started jamming the first thing I could find in my mouth (that’s what she said) to chase it, which happened to be Frosted Mini Wheats. 

So how was I going to create a delicious cocktail with this disgusting liquor? Easy. I’m awesome. 

Are you ready for the best absinthe cocktail ever created, but still pretty disgusting? I thought not…

Mix 1 ounce of the following in a shaker with ice:

  • Absinthe
  • Vanilla vodka
  • Triple sec

Shake the absolute shit out of it. We need to do this not only because it’s fun, but to chill the liquor really well. The colder the liquor, the less it will burn and more mild the taste.

Fill a glass with ice cubes (I’m not kidding about making this fucker cold). Then pour just the liquid from the shaker.

Then add orange juice to taste. You can start with a splash and go up to 2 or 3 ounces. The citrus in the juice helps to cut the taste of the hellfire liquor, er, I mean absinthe.

Drink liberally and at your own risk. Oh, and if you hallucinate from drinking absinthe let me know what you see and if it was awesome.

Enjoy! (sort of)

Monday, May 18, 2015

Review of Balls. Balls Vodka That Is.

Review of Balls. Balls Vodka That Is.

As you've seen a few times in my blog, I review products. Companies read my blog, they send me some free stuff, I review it here, you read the review and become a more informed consumer, and the product gets its name out. Everybody wins. I would draw a process flow diagram but I'm not going to nerd out too hard on you all here. Either way, capitalism kicks ass.

Before I dive too much deeper into this post, I have to warn you that it is:
1) Not my most clean post
2) Somewhat racy
3) Ridiculously awesome (duh)

So this is my full disclaimer and warning and if any of that may bother you or you have sensitive ears, please click here. But if you can handle it, you're going to thoroughly enjoy this article.

Not too long ago, a vodka called Balls Vodka sent me some of their product.

I really like this vodka. Its name has sexual connotations, the brand is kind of racy n general and you can make up drinks with dope names. I love all that shit.

Taste Test

Here's how our taste test went down. I was pre-gaming with a friend and we decided to get out my balls. Balls Vodka that is. Long story short I fed it to him and he got laid that night. Do I guarantee that it enhances mojo and you will also get laid by drinking Balls Vodka? Yes. Just kidding. I have no clue, but it couldn't hurt.

In the package the company sent me, they included a little sheet with recipes for cocktails that one can make using Balls Vodka. So naturally, I had to come up with some of my own recipes and take it to the next level. Here is some of what I came up with.

Drink #1: Blue Balls

A little while ago I came up with a cocktail recipe called a Smurf. I decided to make a recipe similar to the Smurf, but this time with balls. Balls Vodka that is. It’s called Blue Balls. Here are the ingredients:
-1 ½ ounces Balls Vodka
-¾ ounces Hypnotic
-¾ ounces Peach Schnapps.

Yup, it will fuck you up. Good times.

Drink #2: Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

The name of this drink is an ode to the late Isaac Hayes, also the voice of Chef on South Park. The drink is named after one of his songs. If you haven’t watched it, please do. Classic. Here’s the recipe:
-1 ½ ounces Balls Vodka
-1 ounce of creme de cacao
-1 ounce salted caramel coffee creamer
-Salt the rim and enjoy

Drink #3: Cock ‘n Balls

This drink is not for the faint of heart. It’s called Cock ‘n Balls. Lets just get to the recipe on this one:
-1 ounce Fighting Cock bourbon
-1 ounce Balls Vodka
-Fill the rest of the glass up with lots of ice, orange juice, and grapefruit juice
-Drink, enjoy and get really drunk

Last Balls Vodka has good promotional videos and the girl in it is pretty cute. Winning all around.


Monday, May 4, 2015

The Kentucky Derby, Mint Juleps, and Good Times‏

The Kentucky Derby, Mint Juleps, and Good Times‏

As most of you probably know, I'm usually pretty late on posting according to the season or holiday. This post is no exception. So now that the Kentucky Derby is over, we're going to talk about mint
juleps. It’s going to be awesome.

As it turns out, I love mint juleps. It’s like southern sweet tea, which I also love, but with bourbon instead of tea. And I love bourbon.

So how do you make this delicious mint julep drink? I'm so glad you ask…

The first thing to keep in mind, and I mention this in my article post about a year ago on mojitos, that is really important to get the sugar to dissolve. Otherwise it just takes like minty bourbon and there is a bunch of sugar sitting in the bottom of your glass. OK, enough theory, lets go!

Step 1

In your cup, put at least 3 tablespoons of sugar. It's supposed to be a sweet drink and you also need sugar to counteract the minty-ness. You don't want your mint julep to taste like toothpaste-flavored bourbon. Then put between 8 and 10 leaves of mint and about a quarter ounce of water or soda water.

Step 2

Muddle the crap out of it.

Step 3

Pour in two and a half ounces of bourbon. Yep, two and a half ounces. This drink will get you f*cked up Kentucky style.

Step 4

Roll or shake your sugar mint and bourbon mix. Do this until you can't see the sugar anymore.

Step 5

Add lots of ice, because remember, it's hot as crap in the south. It is the important that you add the ice last because the sugar won't dissolve well if the liquid is cold.

Step 6

Garnish the sh*t out of it with a big thing of mint. Not only is southern stuff sweet, it's also pretty.

Step 7

Enjoy the crap out of it. If you don't execute this step, you done messed up. Bless your heart.